Aloha! I’m not sure if you remember me or not, but we met last Halloween when I killed all of your close friends and a couple of police officers. I also stole a station wagon that I (Swear to God!) was going to return, but it got pretty riddled with gunfire from that angry town mob. I tried to kill you too, but you stabbed me in the neck with a screwdriver and by the time I could regroup the same angry mob that f-ed up the car (Annoying, right?) beat me to death with hammers…or so they thought!

Anyhoo, I’m basically alive and planning on heading back to your town again this Halloween to satisfy my never-ending taste for blood, but I thought perhaps we could get dinner or coffee or something before I get started. Right now I’m driving this ambulance that I stole during my latest escape from the institution so if you need me to pick you up, it’s totally cool. I promise this isn’t some trick to kill you! To be honest, the only reason I was going to murder you is because I was told we’re related and I guess it’s kind of my thing to eradicate my family members. Why? Beats the hell out me! But I guess a goal of some sort keeps me productive. Anyways, to make a long story short, I found out that we’re actually NOT related so not only do I not need to kill you, but we’re totally cool to date and have intercourse or whatever if things go well. I’ve attached my picture in case you’re totally drawing a blank on this whole thing. I’m really looking forward to hearing from you!

-Michael

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