Have you ever been just minding your own business, when all of a sudden, you realize that you have to take a shit really bad? Well that’s what happened to me this morning.

It was around 8 AM today (Thursday) when I was sitting on Metro North and got that horrible feeling. I wasn’t even sure I’d make it to Grand Central. Unfortunately, taking a shit on the train was out of the question. Have you ever seen a Metro North bathroom? My only choice was to sit there an pretend nothing was a matter.

After what felt like an eternity, I finally arrived at Grand Central. I made my way to the front of the train so I wouldn’t have to deal with all the people on the platform when I got off. It was at this time that I realized that taking a shit in Grand Central was also out of the question. I think there is probably about a 75% chance that you’ll get hepatitis if you try to take a shit in Grand Central. My only choice was to try to make it to my luxury Chelsea office where we actually have sanitary bathrooms.

Now it’s probably about 8:10. As I’m running down the stairs into the subway, I notice the downtown 4-5-6 platform is exceptionally crowded. The conductor of the 5 train announces that the 5 train is out of service, and all passengers must leave the train. It must be Murphy’s Law in action.

I walked across the platform to get on the downtown 6 train when I saw you standing next to me. You were probably about average height for a girl, brown hair, black or dark blue jacket, green skirt, brown boots, and a great smile.

ON ANY OTHER DAY, I would have swept you off your feet. If you were to ask any of my girlfriends in the last few years, they would probably tell you that I just came up to them on the street, in a book store, in the subway, etc, and said, “Hi,” before proceding to charm the a smile out of them. But today was not my day. There was no way I could have confidently talked to you while at the same time pretending nothing was wrong with my bowels.

Anyway, we both got on a very crowded 6 train. I was holding on to the pole for dear life, and you were holding on to the same pole standing across from me. I’m 5′11″, brown hair, athletic build, and I was wearing jeans, a blueish t-shirt, and a black jacket. I think you got off at 28th St, but I was in no state of mind to keep track. It could have been 33rd or 23rd.

When I finally reached my office, I ran up 4 flights of stairs (because I couldn’t wait for the elevator) and made a beeline to the bathroom, unzipping my pants as I opened the door. I swear, if I had been delayed by even a second because I tried to get your number in the subway, I would have had to call someone to bring my some new clothes. I barely had my pants down when it forced itself out. I ended up using entire industrial sized roll of toilet paper. You have no idea how raw my ass felt after using that much 1-ply sandpaper-toilet paper. I think the toilet itself is in therapy now.

***Summary***

You:
Took downtown 6 from Grand Central
Brown hair
Black (or other dark color) jacket
Green skirt
Brown boots

Me:
5′11″
Athletic build
Dark blue jeans
Blueish t-shirt
Black jacket
Normally extremely confident
Fears public bathrooms

Related posts:

1. You Have Your Hair On Backwards

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1283902779