Hello there!

I’m not sure if you remember me, but we were both extras in a film last Friday. I played the bloated corpse that the detectives found washed up in a riverbed. Even though I wasn’t at liberty to move around much for obvious reasons, I did manage to catch a glimpse of you when the detective turned me on my side to see if the killer had left his signature, “shampoo bottle in the asshole.” (he did, but trust me it wasn’t UP my ass. Just pressed firmly between the cheeks. I’m not really into that kind of thing, but I’m an actor remember?) At any rate, you were wearing this green dress and you looked absolutely stunning! I’d describe you better, but my eyes were all swollen up in order to reflect the days I had spent basically floating dead in a polluted river. I assure you, I’m a pretty attractive man. Those marks on my neck were from that earlier scene where the killer ripped a weave off of this dead prostitute’s head and strangled me with it. It’s sort of funny because my skin is actually quite smooth and healthy-looking. Women are always asking me about how I have such smooth skin, which I know is hard to believe thanks to the makeup “bruises” on my face from where the killer had whipped my face repeatedly with his erect penis before cutting my fingers off and feeding them to his dog. Oh yeah. That part was also fake. I do indeed have all ten of my digits. So that’s basically it. If you remember me and would like to get a coffee sometime, please shoot me an email.

Thanks!

-Tom

Related posts:

1. I SPILLED COFFEE ON YOUR BABY!
2. I ORIGINALLY WAS TRYING TO KILL YOU

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