I just moved and sold a whole bunch of stuff, which has been very satisfying, except that now I’ve got all this cash. Mostly twenties, except for a few fives and a couple ones. I assume the money originated in ATM machines, just because of the preponderance of twenties which I’ve received in bulk (in envelopes mostly, though one stack in exchange for my washer/dryer was paper clipped) though I couldn’t tell you which ones came together anymore.

There is one “classic” twenty dating from 1993, softly worn over Jackson’s face, creating a boyish, worried look as though someone told him he was no longer going to be printed on the bill because he had done something wrong (as an April Fools).

There are 7 “white” twenties (still equivalent to $20): 3 from 1996, 2 from 1999, and 2 from 2001.

There are 47 contemporary twenties, which is over $900.

The fives and ones are unexceptional, except that they are worth money.

The items can be used for all sorts of things: buying food or clothing in stores, snorting cocaine, acquiring cocaine, stretching leather, exercising willpower, bribing, hushing, during sex or for sex (I have not done this though I don’t know what the buyers of my belongings did, I didn’t ask, though they seemed like normal type people, but who knows…), tipping and/or looking rich, and more!

I am willing to separate the bills. If you’re looking for a little bit more, I could potentially get some, though I am running low on things I’m willing to sell. The cash is AS IS; I assume it’s authentic because I already took it from someone else, but I haven’t taken it to a bank. Some bills are worn more than others, most are in good shape. They smell ok and appear clean. I’m not a money collector (obviously) so there may be some finds!

What I am looking for:

• a used dish rack (I don’t want a new one because I know someone else must be getting rid of one that’s still perfectly good), preferably white, with a matching mat
• a used drawer organizer for silverware (ditto), not plastic, no color preference
• an old telephone, I’m picturing 70′s-80′s era, red
• mismatched country-style kitchen chairs
• a wooden desk, preferably the color of the table that the cash is on (see pics)
• good music (vinyl or CDs), especially Smashing Pumpkins Siamese Dream or Camera Obscura’s My Maudlin Career
• a wooden rocking chair, not too wide in the seat
• house plants, bigger
• a really cool beaded curtain, preferably wood
• something that I don’t know that I want
• I don’t do drugs, sorry, but thanks for thinking of me

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1. Sandwiches & Hand Jobs Joke

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