Hi, you probably don’t remember me, but we met last Friday while I was fishing for mudsharks at Pisswater Lake in Jersey. I was wearing a trucker cap that says “I fuck on the first date” and a stylish pair of rubber coveralls. Anyway, you were like, melting or something and glowing all radioactive and shit, and I feel like we sort of made eye contact for a minute before I screamed like a ten year old girl at a Jonas Brothers Concert and booked it right the fuck out of there. Later, I was kicking myself for not introducing myself, so I hope this message finds you somehow, that you haven’t turned into a puddle of lake polluting toxic sludge, and also that you still have my fishing pole that I left there in my haste. Call me!

Toxic Lover in Jersey

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