PostingID: 369039155

Doing it wrong.

Four people live here but now that winter is coming, three are moving away. One is homesick, one is done with school, one is dealing with the sudden death of two close friends. All three are leaving the province. This leaves me with a rather large hole to fill, in both quantity and quality, because these are three of the best people you’d hope to meet.

I need three more. Reddit trolls welcome.

About the space
Three stories—
Top story is divided in half; one half is my room, the other is a common room. One entire wall is windows, so both rooms look out over the city and the freight railyard. Giant roof to enjoy before winter fully kicks in. Tall tower to climb, good for whiskeying and sunsetting.

Second story is divided into three bedrooms, centered around a fourth, smaller common room. Walls are made of doors and windows, coated in schematics. One room does not have a door but it does have an indoor balcony, and the bed is built into a door-box made of both doors and functional windows, which looks down into the first floor. Another room has skylights with sliding sail-like curtains and a trapdoor leading to the third-story common room. The last room has an indoor windowledge, a view down to the first floor, a small but perfect workdesk-like area built into the i-beams, and a mysterious portal in the ceiling.

The first story is a kitchen, wood- and metal- working shop, lounge, bike shop, bathroom, loft, and bedroom. The ceilings are very high, tall windows fill up most of one wall. The top of a pagoda hangs about the kitchen counter, strung up with airline cable, and from it dangle pots and pans, dried peppers and christmas lights. There’s an upright piano that needs a little fixing but plays pretty well. The ceilings are so tall that we actually built a small loft in one corner. The powertools, saws, grinders, handtools etc live underneath in a decently-sized workshop. The tools will be mostly leaving with a departing housemate, so if you have your own or want to pitch in, we can set up a second, amazing shop. There’s a six-bike hanging rack to keep your precious bike safe. We built a small fifth bedroom over the bathroom, and at only $100 rent have had some fucking great housemates live there who don’t mind living in a room you can’t stand up in. This knocks the rent down for the rest of us, too. The downstairs will most likely become at least partially a sewing studio, so if you’re into sewing it’s a big, big plus. We used to supplement our rent with shows here until the neighbors complained, but earlier-starting shows could be a real possibility. We’ve had over a hundred people show up for some shows and parties here.

There is no microwave, there will be no microwave here. If you’re into microwaves, move on. We don’t really talk to the landlord, so if you’re someone who’s reliant on people to come fix your shit for you, you’re shit outta luck.

If you hop trains, the hop-out spot is just down the tracks, which the loft is backed right up to. There’s also a wasteland of sorts to explore, if you’re sneaky and careful. If you’re one of those people who do laundry, there’s a laundry machine in the basement, and a great laundromat a block away. The loft is less than a ten-minute walk from the St. Henri metro, less than a ten-minute bike ride to Atwater. Close to the post office and bank and a lot of parks, too. Community garden just across the tracks. Punks and pitbulls in the basement. There isn’t a lot of sound privacy; some of the walls don’t go floor to ceiling. It hasn’t been a problem for us, but if you aren’t into hearing your housemates have sex sometimes, then you might want to consider this before you move in, and what kind of person you are. There are dead animals and birds in the freezer and strung up about the house. Lots of bones, too, and rusting metal. Some of this will go when the housemates go. Pets might be okay, depending on pet.

About me
I’m 24, went to school for liberal arts and hated it so went to metalworking school instead, then came to Montreal for Alexander Technique training. I’m tall, play the accordion, I’m into scams, homebrew, the circus, Tesla, fancy food, tailoring. I was once the star of a dramatic porno. I built a boat this summer and attempted to sail it down the Mississippi, but the police ruined it; long story. I’m into biology and botany, calculus and physics, going to the dump, cooking. I speak Japanese as well as English, and I’m hopefully about to become a tailor.

About you
You are an adventurer. Ideally you are resourceful and independent but still like living in a house that’s pretty communal. Messy and dirty are fine but you gotta do your own fucking dishes. If you’re vegan, well, that’s great, but don’t expect a vegan household. You like dumpstering and don’t mind eating food from the trash. You should like to cook and like spending time with your housemates. Being handy with tools is a plus, making shit is a big, big plus. Of the three people leaving, one was a metalworker, kinetic sculptor, mad scientist; one was a seamstress and painter, and an amazing chef; the last was an electronic musician and illustrator; we’re all dirty as fuck; not expecting you to be any of these things- just to give you a vague idea of a dynamic that worked well here. Violent cuddlers welcome.

I need fucking beasts of people, if you are timid you’d better be a real sweetie or have some goddamned amazing superpowers. This is a house of people who have each others backs and I’d like for it to stay this way, familial and feral. I will take care of you. Sometimes we fight each other for fun, sometimes we all sleep in the same bed. Someone tried to mug me last night and I broke his nose– I’d do the same to someone trying to mug you. I know this is asking a lot but seriously, let’s not add our house to the list of four interesting people who live together and maybe even have some fascinating/admirable/psychotic hobbies and pursuits but don’t amount to much more than that when taken as a whole houses. Think Goonies instead.

If you like some of these things you might be perfect for this house: plants, boats, junk, bikes, board games, stirling engines, cult films, math & science, puppets, drawing, cooking, sewing, knives, comics, history, bones, dumpstering, reading, being outside, making fireworks and booze and fermented foods.

If you are into tiny rooms or are very short, we have a small room for rent for $100. It comes packaged with a free kitchen, free common room, and free housemates.

No pacifists. You don’t need to be crazy to live here, but it helps.

Some more pictures uploaded here. They’re high-res but you’ll need to download/open them to see them in all their glory. Pictures make the house seem messier than usual, promise; there’s shit everywhere because some people are already getting ready to move out. Email any questions or call 514-935-9580. Goonies never say die.

St Remi at Acorn (google map) (yahoo map)

• dogs are OK – wooof
• Location: St. Henri
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

As much as I appreciate the zombie Mr. T you sketched (that is hung on our refrigerator, by the way), there are a few things we need to set straight. I had reservations about you from the beginning; I thought you might suffer from a chronic case of Cool Kid Syndrome.

Despite my feminine appearance, I have a long history of having dated nerds/geeks. Some of them played table top RPGs, some were programmers, most of them were socially awkward. I am a nerd. I have mad nerd pride. I learn things for no good reason, think science is the coolest thing EVAR, sometimes snort when I laugh, and get the XKCD jokes. Perhaps it was the black-framed glasses and my state of well-groomedness, but you had somehow mistaken me for a Reg. And then you DISPARAGED MY PEOPLE.

This is unforgivable. Nerds have long suffered at the hands of jocks and at the jabs of hipsters like yourself. I don’t tolerate that shit. Weighing in at around 145 pounds and spending your days flipping through vinyls and sketching in your Moleskin leads me to believe that I can totally take you in a fist fight. Or simply mess up your faux hawk and send you packing on your fixed-gear, singing My Chemical Romance to yourself through the tears leaking out under your aviator sunglasses.

From that moment on, I refused to talk to you. I stopped calling you by your name and, instead, began referring to you as “Toolbox.”

My roommate, who was desperate for attention, wanted to be friends with you. She scoffed at my suggestion that you were only hanging around to get in her pants. Her dating life has been not-so-great since we moved to Austin. She either skipped, or was asleep during, the life lesson on humility. That’s fine for dudes because she has big knockers, but women have been less receptive, and I suspect that it has something to do with all conversations being steered towards her. As she is new to the whole “lesbian thing” I can forgive her for falling of the cootch wagon and sleeping with a guy or two along the trail. But why, oh sweet Jesus why, did it have to be you?

After that one time you did my lesbian roommate, you didn’t come a callin’. I sometimes lie awake at night and speculate… Was it just for the thrill of the lesbian conquest? Cock beats all? Or was it because she did the pretty girl I’m-going-to-lay-here-like-a-dead-fish-while-you-do-me thing? I accept that correlation does not necessarily indicate causation but I’m highly suspicious of your intentions, sir. Either way, she has instead chosen to blame me for your recent attendance record.

Even if that were the case, your fear of me was only powerful enough to keep you away after you dipped it in my vag gnoshing roommie. Thank you for making domestic relations difficult.

This interaction has only reinforced the judgments I pass on people in skinny jeans.

• Location: North

Memo to Female Readers –

Below is my list of the Top Ten Most Overused Phrases In Personal Ads. If YOUR ad does not contain any of the following phrases, please contact me immediately!

PostingID: 1611490608

Date: 2009-12-15, 7:26PM CST

Memo to Female Readers –

I’m just curious if you know this — guys will do pretty much anything in order to play with your boobs. You know this already, right? Sometimes I wonder, given all the emotional and logistical acrobatics you go through.

In fact, if you end your MC posts with …”oh, and you can play with my boobs, too,” you’ll most likely find what you’re looking for. That’s when the real misery and disappointment begins, however, but that’s outside the scope of this quick, heartfelt, holiday memo.

Okay. Carry on.

Love,

Michael

Gentlemen,

Here are some words of semi-wisdom from a real live 30-something woman on how to up your chances that a real, live woman will respond to your post.

1. She probably won’t. That’s right – women really do rule the roost here. Respond to her post. But…

2. If you are up for a challenge and can write funny (you know who you are), then you definitely have an advantage.

3. If you’re not sure whether or not you can write funny, you can’t. See points below.

4. Stop whining about getting spam. You are a man posting on CL. You will get spam. Deal.

5. Put your age in your ad.

6. If you’re a man 25 years or younger, go to a bar and get rejected in person. It builds character.

7. Unless a woman asks you to send you a picture of your penis, refrain from emailing or putting this type of picture in your post. I believe there is this thing called “internet porn” (perhaps you have heard about it) where I can look at all the penises I want to.

8. The “I wonder if he is a serial killer” photo. Oh, you know what I’m talking about. The photo shot of your bare torso in the mirror sans head. Id rather see no picture at all because all I can think about is “It rubs the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again” from The Silence of the Lambs. But if you are looking to give off the serial killer vibe, then you’re on the right track!

9. HEADLINES IN ALL CAPS will only get you noticed because its fucking annoying. Lets look at an example. FACE DOWN ,ASS Up and let me HANDLE it. Oh, yes, Im all over that. It made me really hot that you apparently dont know where a comma should go. Oh yeah baby.

10. For all you $$ generous guys out there your prices are way too low, especially if you want that hot college coed. $2000/month for up for 4-5 times a month is a good market value price to begin with. And, no, I am not a pro.

11. Speaking of non-pro only did I miss the day where people stopped using the word hooker or is that just a sly enough euphemism so that your post wont get removed? Does this mean that us non-pros are not pros in the bedroom because youre not paying for sex?

8. You write defensively and are mad as hell and are not going to take it anymore. Example: “I’m a hot guy with really high standards. I make a lot of money. What is up with all the fat chicks here? Im so sick of this shit. If you email me, send my your stats AND a picture. I mean, I’m a hot guy.” And blah, blah blah…
Gee, I like nothing more than going out with someone who is angry, defensive and who is incredibly sexually frustrated. Good times!

If you are that bent out of shape, call a hooker. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you’re safe. I’ll save the “non-pro only” commentary for another time.

9. Run spell check, use apostrophes (e.g., “ur” instead of “your or you’re”) and there’s this thing called a space bar that should have come with your computer – use it.

10. Women will most likely not list their weight in a post. Swap photos in the first or second email exchange. If she’s reluctant to send a picture, this could be a red flag or she may not know how to use any basic computer program where she can send a photo showing her body type without her face. Come to think of it, this could be a red flag as well.

11. There are no real 18-22 year old women who post here. I know this comes as a shock. Take a couple of deep breaths. It will be okay.

12. Avoid the use of the following phrases and words: Asian pearl (are you kidding me?!) and Yearning for Asian poontang (even if I was Asian, I would want you as far away from my poontang as possible).

Happy hunting!

Date: 2010-02-21, 3:04PM PST

PostingID: 1611490608

Date: 2010-01-31, 9:23PM CST