David Grohl shows Tenacious D’s Kyle Glass how to write a hit song.

Life’s a bitch, but keep on truckin.

Below is my list of the Top Ten Most Overused Phrases In Personal Ads. If YOUR ad does not contain any of the following phrases, please contact me immediately!

PostingID: 1611490608

Gentlemen,

Here are some words of semi-wisdom from a real live 30-something woman on how to up your chances that a real, live woman will respond to your post.

1. She probably won’t. That’s right – women really do rule the roost here. Respond to her post. But…

2. If you are up for a challenge and can write funny (you know who you are), then you definitely have an advantage.

3. If you’re not sure whether or not you can write funny, you can’t. See points below.

4. Stop whining about getting spam. You are a man posting on CL. You will get spam. Deal.

5. Put your age in your ad.

6. If you’re a man 25 years or younger, go to a bar and get rejected in person. It builds character.

7. Unless a woman asks you to send you a picture of your penis, refrain from emailing or putting this type of picture in your post. I believe there is this thing called “internet porn” (perhaps you have heard about it) where I can look at all the penises I want to.

8. The “I wonder if he is a serial killer” photo. Oh, you know what I’m talking about. The photo shot of your bare torso in the mirror sans head. Id rather see no picture at all because all I can think about is “It rubs the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again” from The Silence of the Lambs. But if you are looking to give off the serial killer vibe, then you’re on the right track!

9. HEADLINES IN ALL CAPS will only get you noticed because its fucking annoying. Lets look at an example. FACE DOWN ,ASS Up and let me HANDLE it. Oh, yes, Im all over that. It made me really hot that you apparently dont know where a comma should go. Oh yeah baby.

10. For all you $$ generous guys out there your prices are way too low, especially if you want that hot college coed. $2000/month for up for 4-5 times a month is a good market value price to begin with. And, no, I am not a pro.

11. Speaking of non-pro only did I miss the day where people stopped using the word hooker or is that just a sly enough euphemism so that your post wont get removed? Does this mean that us non-pros are not pros in the bedroom because youre not paying for sex?

8. You write defensively and are mad as hell and are not going to take it anymore. Example: “I’m a hot guy with really high standards. I make a lot of money. What is up with all the fat chicks here? Im so sick of this shit. If you email me, send my your stats AND a picture. I mean, I’m a hot guy.” And blah, blah blah…
Gee, I like nothing more than going out with someone who is angry, defensive and who is incredibly sexually frustrated. Good times!

If you are that bent out of shape, call a hooker. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you’re safe. I’ll save the “non-pro only” commentary for another time.

9. Run spell check, use apostrophes (e.g., “ur” instead of “your or you’re”) and there’s this thing called a space bar that should have come with your computer – use it.

10. Women will most likely not list their weight in a post. Swap photos in the first or second email exchange. If she’s reluctant to send a picture, this could be a red flag or she may not know how to use any basic computer program where she can send a photo showing her body type without her face. Come to think of it, this could be a red flag as well.

11. There are no real 18-22 year old women who post here. I know this comes as a shock. Take a couple of deep breaths. It will be okay.

12. Avoid the use of the following phrases and words: Asian pearl (are you kidding me?!) and Yearning for Asian poontang (even if I was Asian, I would want you as far away from my poontang as possible).

Happy hunting!

If a key opens a lot of locks then its a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of keys then it’s a shitty lock.

The word “cunt” has lost its edge

Shoot for the stars, ladies!

I think I may have stumbled upon the solution to this age-old mystery…

People used to know about their neighbors, and far-off peoples that they came into contact with through trade or war, and didn’t have to debate about it for hours, scream and yell, and scratch their heads generation after generation wondering what the other guy was up to. Obviously this knowledge has been lost in modern America, at least among the dullards posting on the CL about it all day and night.

This corn-fed Swedish boy was raised on a freaking farm in the middle of nowhere, but has more common sense than most because he had some first generation immigrant parents born in slums and farms in Europe around 1900 who still knew what was up. So I’ll enlighten you.

I don’t believe in Race, it’s been scientifically discredited. No one reads the paper or pays attention in school anymore, and the word still means something to the masses. So here we go;

- European Americans: came from dirt, treated like slaves by rich masters and royalty, killed red men and farmed the land because it was a better living than starving to death as a serf owned by some inbred fucktard Duke of Whatsit back in the old country. Finally got uppity enough to kill their masters and make a free society for themselves. The rest of the story you know; Irish and Italian and Pollack and regular old English and German, you know plenty about them and how they act. Protestant, Catholic, whatever the flavor, there’s plenty written and filmed and televised about all of ‘em. Hated by ALL the rest of the races.

-African Americans: came from a tropical paradise or a jungle hellhole, depending on your point of view. Got kidnapped by greedy Arab, Spanish, and Jew slavers. Shipped to the New World, sold to greedy white English and Spanish assholes who wanted labor cheaper than the Irish and Scottish slaves that had gotten too uppity and were working their way towards a right to bear arms, vote, own land, etc. Got ridden hard for a while like ALL of our people’s were for millennia, then got busted free by Northern bible thumpers and urbanites who were bigoted against southern white trash hillbillies. Got a few breaks along the way through their own efforts and the help of liberal Quakers, Jews, and lots of other well-meaning white folks. Got the hell out of the South if they could. Still have an institutional memory of being treated like shit, and through Johnson’s ‘great society’ and their own internal fears and bigotries remain today largely screwed, mostly by each other. Feared by ALL the other races, loved by a few out of pity.

-Jews: started their religion 3-4 thousand years ago being told by Moses that they were a Chosen Race, chosen by God to be the best and brightest, richest, most badass, etc. This religion was a natural reaction to getting ridden hard like slaves in Egypt. They got the hell out of Dodge, fucked shit up in Canaan for a while, then got busted up eventually by the Romans, their own internal hippie revolutionaries like Jesus, and shipped out again all over the middle east and europe as slaves and serfs. They kept their heads, though, and kept their money in the family, and honored all their whacky hocus pocus along with education and commerce. Good for them, if they hadn’t looked out for themselves we wouldn’t even know about ‘em because they’d all be dead or bred out. They’ll sell you down the river in a heartbeat still today, but they’re rather honest about it, and their religion tells them to. Blacks and other fuckups could learn a lot from Jews. Hated by Blacks, mixed history with Whites.

-Latina/No/Hispanic/Mexistizo/Aztlatan: Still haven’t figured out what to call themselves. The ones who are pure blood whites from Spain, such as Argentinans, know it and despise the darker ones mixed up with the red man. Puerto Ricans get to look down on all the rest, too, because we own their island and they don’t have to wetback it into the country, they have a free pass here as a birth right. ALL the rest of them are mestizos, they were invented the day that Columbus landed. Spain never managed to kill all the red men, because there were way too many of them and they were too busy raping them and making half-half babies. Mexicans celebrate Columbus day as Dio del Raza, Day of the Race. They’re catholic, work like maniacs, don’t cause too much trouble on the east coast, are trying to take over the west coast like an old-school invasion, and will someday learn English, or will out-breed whitey and we’ll all have to learn Spanish. Like army ants, they work hard and never ever stop. They will inherit the earth. Hated by Blacks, each other, and tolerated more and more by Whites.

-Asians, Yellow: got shipped in to build railroads and mine where there were no Blacks or Irish to do the job. Eventually brought their families and, like the Jews, kept a low profile, built great communities for themselves, keep the money in the family, and sent the kiddos to college. All the races could learn from these guys; sort of army-ant like the LatiNo, but with patience to sit just about any shitstorm out for a thousand years and then come out from under the rubble with their pockets full of gold. Hated by Blacks and fewer and fewer Whites who’s granpappy done got his ass skewered back in Yang Moon and seen his buddy’s head explode over Margret Cho.

-Asians, Brown: Indians and Pakis and Sikhs, oh my! Billion year old histories with way too much caste system bullshit in their system. They treat service staff like servants because that’s what they’re used to, if they’re rich. If they’re poor, they act much like Yellow Asians, but are less pretty and more vulgar. Don’t hide away in their own communities, assimilate pretty well. Hated by: each other, Whites, Blacks.

-Arabs/Persians: behaved like princes, real royal pals, to Americans, until around the 60′s when they got fed up with our support of Israel. Now they’re scary, live by the sword, seduce Blacks into joining up, and require regular carpet bombing. That is, except for the other 98% of them who behave more like Brown Asians, which many of them actually are. Hated by: ALL Jews (they have to or mommy will spank them, it’s in the Bible), Whites.

-Recent European Immigrants: live and act like runway models, get laid all the time because of their sexy accents/exotic whatevers, then immediately assimilate or go back home in disgust at what we’re up to in the US. Hated by: no one ever meets these people except other whites, who want to make a LOT of babies with them.

-Recent African Immigrants: Behave like Brown Asians. Hard work, but bad odds. Hated by just about everyone, because they’re Black, Immigrants, and native Blacks hate them the most because they’re proving that people with JET BLACK skin can get ahead in this country through hard work and discipline. Throws the Native Blacks into a tizzy. They thrive in places like DC, make communities for themselves, and are going to assimilate and be middle class by noon tomorrow.

I’ll do a followup on Greenlanders, Micronesians, and Finns some other time. It’s late.

Now that the ENTIRE RACE PROBLEM is SOLVED, let’s all just be cool and get along, alright?

Special thanks to a Jersey Jew named Craig:

• Location: Philadelphia

This is probably the most unique housing ad you’ll ever find, but it’s totally real. We are a group of sociology researchers from several universities. We want to conduct an experiment on shared living situation. You will be 4 people living together in a one bedroom apartment – fully furnished and in a great area. There is a queen size bed in the bedroom and one in the living room. There will be 2 boys and 2 girls living together. If you agree to the terms of the living arragement, you will be provided with FREE HOUSING for 6 months (might be extended to a year). If the project produces good resaults, our grant will provide you with a $3000 compensation at the end of the period.
You must be: A female between the ages of 18 and 32, no criminal background, Non smoker, Social and friendly, Full day schedule (working or student), and with no dependents (childrens or others).
Terms of living are: Zero private areas – There are no doors or covers inside the appartment. Not even cover to shower. So no privacy. Indoors you must walk with as less clothing as possible. Each week you will be assigned the sleeping arrangements for the week to come and you will also have to fill out a quick survey. Each month you will have a session with a psychologist.
If you are interested, please contact us and include as much personal information about yourself as possible – Age, origin, occupation, photos, and personal interests. Do not contact us just to ask about the experiment. Contact only if interested and then we set up an interview. Thank you very much.

• Location: Venice