Funny Craigslist Ads » Jobs

Internet Startup Ad, Translated

andyfox1979 — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 04:37:14 +0000

Translation:

You work, I get paid.

You have about 4 weeks to implement this crazy cool idea I had the other day while I was sitting on the toilet.

You see, my parents doled out tons of cash to send me to fancy business schools, but all I ended up with is a useless degree and nothing nothing to prove for it. I don’t know how to actually do anything. But the Internet is really fun, and I love browsing for free porn and pretending to know what Twitter is all about when me and my grad school friends hang out in our parent’s luxury yachts down in the Florida Keys.

So that’s where you come in the picture. I need you to do all the work. I can’t actually pay you anything because my parents just recently cancelled my Gold Amex card, but I met tons of people over the years and they all have super important families. You get 4 weeks to implement something like Twitter, I don’t really know yet what it is, but I will shoot you 10 emails per second once I have it all real clear in my head.

Here is where I throw in some rant against big businesses. Aren’t geeks all like anti-capitalism and pro-socialism? My econ prof said something like that once in class. I think.

I will need your phone number to call you at all times of the day, every time some thought crosses my mind. I won’t be satisfied with anything you produce, and ridicule you in front of my frat brother friends.

You should sign up for this because you’re a CS grad and you have no life. And you should be happy that I am even considerign talking to you, I mean look at me. And look at you. Seriously.

Interested in Applying? Original Craiglist Ad Here!

Horse Killing Summer Job

andyfox1979 — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 22:05:49 +0000

Original ad:
I am a 18 year old looking for a summer job. it is hard for me to find work and I just want a job so I can afford a car for college next summer. I can clean, babysit, answer phones, pretty much whatever as long as it pays!!

From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org
Hey,

I saw your ad looking for work and I think I have a job for you! I am looking for an assistant on my farm for the summer. It will involve working outdoors. Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
Hi Mike! I am interested in your job! I love animals and used to ride horses so a farm would be great! what kind of work would I be doing, and where is your farm located? it needs to be close to ******** so my parents can drop me off and pick meup

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

It is very close to **********. I’m glad to hear you are familiar with horses, because you will be primarily working with horses.

My farm gets all the old horses that other farms don’t need anymore, and they are starting to take up a lot of room in my stable, which I want to turn into a garage for my new truck. Therefore, the horses need to go. As my assistant, you will be in charge of killing the horses and dumping them in the lake behind my farm.

I used to have a captive bolt pistol (cattle gun) that I used to put them down, but it broke when I tried to use it to tap a keg. You’ll probably have to use my 12-gauge shotgun to put them down. Sometimes they don’t die right away when you shoot them, and will start freaking out. You just have to stay calm and keep shooting. Don’t worry, I’ll show you how to use the shotgun if you aren’t familiar with one.

You then need to use my chainsaw to cut the horses into smaller parts that you can carry down to the lake. It can get a little messy, so I suggest wearing some clothes that you don’t care about, or some clothes that the horse blood would compliment.

The lake isn’t mine, it is my neighbor’s. He gets kind of angry when he sees me dumping dead horses in his lake, so you have to make sure he isn’t around when you do it. I have some cinderblocks you can use to weigh the horses down so he won’t see them.

I have a lot of horses, and each horse takes about an hour and a half to dispose of, so you should have plenty of work. The job will pay $15 an hour. When can you start?

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
omg that is HORRIBLE! That is truely awful and sick!! Why cant you just give the poor horses away? sorry but I am not helping you slaughter horses!!!

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

I’m sorry if you are a bit surprised, but this is how farms work. You can’t give away old horses, you have to kill them. I thought about it, and if you don’t want to use the chainsaw to cut up the horses, you can just use my truck to drag them down to the lake. Do you have your license or permit? If not, this could be good driving practice for you. You don’t want to pass up on this great job opportunity.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
No that is not how farms work you are just SICK! I am NOT interested

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie you are going to regret this some day when you try to get a real job. I think this would look great on your resume.

Free shared housing and participating in an academic experiment (We want to film you taking a dump)

jeremy — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 17:55:59 +0000

This is probably the most unique housing ad you’ll ever find, but it’s totally real. We are a group of sociology researchers from several universities. We want to conduct an experiment on shared living situation. You will be 4 people living together in a one bedroom apartment – fully furnished and in a great area. There is a queen size bed in the bedroom and one in the living room. There will be 2 boys and 2 girls living together. If you agree to the terms of the living arragement, you will be provided with FREE HOUSING for 6 months (might be extended to a year). If the project produces good resaults, our grant will provide you with a $3000 compensation at the end of the period.
You must be: A female between the ages of 18 and 32, no criminal background, Non smoker, Social and friendly, Full day schedule (working or student), and with no dependents (childrens or others).
Terms of living are: Zero private areas – There are no doors or covers inside the appartment. Not even cover to shower. So no privacy. Indoors you must walk with as less clothing as possible. Each week you will be assigned the sleeping arrangements for the week to come and you will also have to fill out a quick survey. Each month you will have a session with a psychologist.
If you are interested, please contact us and include as much personal information about yourself as possible – Age, origin, occupation, photos, and personal interests. Do not contact us just to ask about the experiment. Contact only if interested and then we set up an interview. Thank you very much.

Location: Venice

Application Rejection Rejection Letter

andyfox1979 — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 04:20:32 +0000

Dear Company:

Thank you for your letter rejecting my application for employment with your firm.

I have received rejections from an unusually large number of well qualified organizations. With such a varied and promising spectrum of rejections from which to select, it is impossible for me to consider them all. After careful deliberation, then, and because a number of firms have found me more unsuitable, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your rejection.

Despite your company’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my requirements at this time. As a result, I will be starting employment with your firm on the first of the month.

Circumstances change and one can never know when new demands for rejection arise. Accordingly, I will keep your letter on file in case my requirements for rejection change.

Please do not regard this letter as a criticism of your qualifications in attempting to refuse me employment. I wish you the best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

John Kador

I Need A Fucking Job

andyfox1979 — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 19:40:43 +0000

What the fuck people! I need a motherfuckin job, and I have a resume that says I am fucking fit to be your goddamn front desk/administrative assistant. I have applied to a ton of jobs on here, and not one of them responded, WHAT THE FUCK?!

Cover Letter? Here’s my fucking cover letter!
Now, I’m really low on money, and I’ll suck a dick if I have to…that’s right!
Got a bear in your backyard that keeps eating your garbage? I’ll fight that motherfucker and I’ll win! Can any other prospective employee say that?! FUCK NO! What’d you say? You lost your keys? FUCK IT! I’ll shoot the goddamn lock off your door with my laser eyes! That’s how bad I need a motherfuckin job! Your brother is gay and you’re not cool with that? I’ll de-gay him with reverse buttsex. Don’t believe me?! Then hire me and I’ll fucking show you!

OBJECTIVE
I need a motherfuckin job.

SHIT I HAVE DONE
-I invented the moon.
-Atlantis was around til 1988, but sunk when I shot out of my mom’s vagina like a silver bullet into a wolverine.
-I am also a wolverine.
-Had sex with the Spice Girls.
-The blowjob machine was originally my idea until that bastard Clint Eastwood stole it.
-I have prophetic visions of the apocolypse.
-Watched the movie “Juwanna Mann” at least 18 times. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0247444/
-Created a new genre of dance in which people get so into it that radiation waves pulsate off of them, I like to call this the microrave.
-I reverse engineered a door, I now know how it works.
-When I was 8, a frisbee flew into my backyard and I blew it up with my mind.
-My brother is the Eiffel Tower
-Direct descendant of Beowulf
-Can make weapons out of anything, very useful in a hostile work environment
-Beat my pornography addiction when I was 19
-Proficient in Microsoft Office and Photoshop

RELEVANT WORK EXPERIENCE
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doing
POSITION: Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Setting up sex scandals in which to blackmail wealthy politicians, forwarding email, burning down the houses of the poor, loan sharking, answering phones, greeting clients in a manner that would frighten most people

GreenHate Enterprises
POSITION: Once Again, I was a fucking Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Organizing the dumping of bio-waste into the ocean, peeing in lakes, digging holes to fill with garbage, making garbage out of perfectly good and useful items, filling said wholes with said garbage, creating fake facts about Greenpeace and publishing them on the internet(I am internet savvy), good at filing…documents of hate.

REFERENCES
Glomgor Evil
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doings
gorlock@peanutbutternipples.com

Sloblor the Muck Monster
GreenHate Enterprises
sloblor@greenhate.com

So, now that you know the real me, are you gonna hire me or not? I would like to remind you that I can make weapons out of anything.

Sincerely,

Steve Madonna
stevemadonnayeah@gmail.com

remember…..anything.

Actor Needed For Emotional Role- One Day high pay

andyfox1979 — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 15:51:01 +0000

My deceased aunt gave my two kids a Cocker Spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and become overwhelming for me. I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain.

Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off. At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic, their girls.

Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best.

This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry. Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation.

Rave: Cool Designer/Illustrator Resume

andyfox1979 — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 22:50:55 +0000

If you’re a designer or illustrator this is the best way to showcase your skills I think.