As much as I appreciate the zombie Mr. T you sketched (that is hung on our refrigerator, by the way), there are a few things we need to set straight. I had reservations about you from the beginning; I thought you might suffer from a chronic case of Cool Kid Syndrome.

Despite my feminine appearance, I have a long history of having dated nerds/geeks. Some of them played table top RPGs, some were programmers, most of them were socially awkward. I am a nerd. I have mad nerd pride. I learn things for no good reason, think science is the coolest thing EVAR, sometimes snort when I laugh, and get the XKCD jokes. Perhaps it was the black-framed glasses and my state of well-groomedness, but you had somehow mistaken me for a Reg. And then you DISPARAGED MY PEOPLE.

This is unforgivable. Nerds have long suffered at the hands of jocks and at the jabs of hipsters like yourself. I don’t tolerate that shit. Weighing in at around 145 pounds and spending your days flipping through vinyls and sketching in your Moleskin leads me to believe that I can totally take you in a fist fight. Or simply mess up your faux hawk and send you packing on your fixed-gear, singing My Chemical Romance to yourself through the tears leaking out under your aviator sunglasses.

From that moment on, I refused to talk to you. I stopped calling you by your name and, instead, began referring to you as “Toolbox.”

My roommate, who was desperate for attention, wanted to be friends with you. She scoffed at my suggestion that you were only hanging around to get in her pants. Her dating life has been not-so-great since we moved to Austin. She either skipped, or was asleep during, the life lesson on humility. That’s fine for dudes because she has big knockers, but women have been less receptive, and I suspect that it has something to do with all conversations being steered towards her. As she is new to the whole “lesbian thing” I can forgive her for falling of the cootch wagon and sleeping with a guy or two along the trail. But why, oh sweet Jesus why, did it have to be you?

After that one time you did my lesbian roommate, you didn’t come a callin’. I sometimes lie awake at night and speculate… Was it just for the thrill of the lesbian conquest? Cock beats all? Or was it because she did the pretty girl I’m-going-to-lay-here-like-a-dead-fish-while-you-do-me thing? I accept that correlation does not necessarily indicate causation but I’m highly suspicious of your intentions, sir. Either way, she has instead chosen to blame me for your recent attendance record.

Even if that were the case, your fear of me was only powerful enough to keep you away after you dipped it in my vag gnoshing roommie. Thank you for making domestic relations difficult.

This interaction has only reinforced the judgments I pass on people in skinny jeans.

• Location: North

Date: 2010-02-17, 3:26PM EST

Gentlemen,

Here are some words of semi-wisdom from a real live 30-something woman on how to up your chances that a real, live woman will respond to your post.

1. She probably won’t. That’s right – women really do rule the roost here. Respond to her post. But…

2. If you are up for a challenge and can write funny (you know who you are), then you definitely have an advantage.

3. If you’re not sure whether or not you can write funny, you can’t. See points below.

4. Stop whining about getting spam. You are a man posting on CL. You will get spam. Deal.

5. Put your age in your ad.

6. If you’re a man 25 years or younger, go to a bar and get rejected in person. It builds character.

7. Unless a woman asks you to send you a picture of your penis, refrain from emailing or putting this type of picture in your post. I believe there is this thing called “internet porn” (perhaps you have heard about it) where I can look at all the penises I want to.

8. The “I wonder if he is a serial killer” photo. Oh, you know what I’m talking about. The photo shot of your bare torso in the mirror sans head. Id rather see no picture at all because all I can think about is “It rubs the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again” from The Silence of the Lambs. But if you are looking to give off the serial killer vibe, then you’re on the right track!

9. HEADLINES IN ALL CAPS will only get you noticed because its fucking annoying. Lets look at an example. FACE DOWN ,ASS Up and let me HANDLE it. Oh, yes, Im all over that. It made me really hot that you apparently dont know where a comma should go. Oh yeah baby.

10. For all you $$ generous guys out there your prices are way too low, especially if you want that hot college coed. $2000/month for up for 4-5 times a month is a good market value price to begin with. And, no, I am not a pro.

11. Speaking of non-pro only did I miss the day where people stopped using the word hooker or is that just a sly enough euphemism so that your post wont get removed? Does this mean that us non-pros are not pros in the bedroom because youre not paying for sex?

8. You write defensively and are mad as hell and are not going to take it anymore. Example: “I’m a hot guy with really high standards. I make a lot of money. What is up with all the fat chicks here? Im so sick of this shit. If you email me, send my your stats AND a picture. I mean, I’m a hot guy.” And blah, blah blah…
Gee, I like nothing more than going out with someone who is angry, defensive and who is incredibly sexually frustrated. Good times!

If you are that bent out of shape, call a hooker. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you’re safe. I’ll save the “non-pro only” commentary for another time.

9. Run spell check, use apostrophes (e.g., “ur” instead of “your or you’re”) and there’s this thing called a space bar that should have come with your computer – use it.

10. Women will most likely not list their weight in a post. Swap photos in the first or second email exchange. If she’s reluctant to send a picture, this could be a red flag or she may not know how to use any basic computer program where she can send a photo showing her body type without her face. Come to think of it, this could be a red flag as well.

11. There are no real 18-22 year old women who post here. I know this comes as a shock. Take a couple of deep breaths. It will be okay.

12. Avoid the use of the following phrases and words: Asian pearl (are you kidding me?!) and Yearning for Asian poontang (even if I was Asian, I would want you as far away from my poontang as possible).

Happy hunting!

Location: Hampton Roads
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Date: 2010-05-23, 5:13PM EDT

PostingID: 1755781713

Summer is over, the party too. Folsom has come and gone. The backroom fucking and the parties wont be as wild/hot until Dore. The holidays will be here before you know it…family is getting older, dying off…one by one and what are we left with? No nurturing wife, no kids, nothing like that at all. Oh we do have our friends, misery loves company, but we will do anything, literally anything to insist this is just how we want it! Somehow that mantra will make it so.

This is the wake up call, but it is too late to change anything. Not as hot as you once were? I know how that feels. If you are over 46/47, you know what I am talking about; if you feign that you dont, you are lying to yourself. IF you are 20, this is your future. Sure, when you are older, you can still hook up for sex, there is not much else to do, but that is pretty much it. A relationship? Are you serious? If I dont disqualify you, you will me. Some of you have really let yourself go. Some of us have stayed in shape and are so picky no one can measure up. We do have our money and our things, but that is it. Nothing too deep. Lets act like actually caring about someone else is some sort of a measure weekness/character flaw. The lonely life of your average gay guy. I cant wait til so many of you flag this post. The ugly truth hurts. Deeply. If this isnt your reality now, it soon will be.

* Location: SF Bay
* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Hi Handymen!

I have 2 small bookcases that need to be assembled – this is not my strong point.
but I do have a large collection of gay male porn to pick from.

Trade?? 3 movies per bookshelf? 6 FREE PORNS for your time?
bargain!

Looking forward to hearing from you…
mr. P

For years I have felt like I was the only Ultraman in the world… Until I saw this.

I don’t know where or what this is, but it has given me hope that somewhere out there, there is another Ultraman for me.

Me: silver, red and blue, featureless, with glowing yellow eyes and a burning desire to karate kick giant monsters in the fucking teeth the moment they step foot in my neighborhood.

You: silver, red and blue, featureless, with glowing yellow eyes and a burning desire to karate kick giant monsters in the fucking teeth the moment they step foot in your neighborhood.

Are you out there Ultraman? Let’s fight dinosaurs/loneliness together! ULTRAAAAA!

Dear Crazy-As-Bat-Shit-Lady:

I am honored that you chose my ad for a mini fridge out of all the ads you could have chosen. It makes me feel good that my mini fridge will be supplying you with the ice cold beverages you’ve obviously become accustomed to.

Next time you answer one of my ads, please note the following:

1. I am not Home Depot. If you travel thirty minutes to pick up a bulky 40-pound object, please come prepared with the necessary items you’ll need to secure it to your vehicle. Yes, I have rope. I have a lot of rope. I have many different colors and sizes of rope. No, you can not have my rope. The ad said I was selling a fridge, not a fridge with rope. Nor was I selling a fridge with padding so that the pleather seats on your piece of crap car don’t get marked up.

2. What part of ‘buyer must pick up’ in the ad was confusing to you? Yes, I have a vehicle. No, I don’t want to haul your fridge all the way to East BumbleFuck on the hottest day of the year. No, I’m really really sure I don’t want to do that. No, really. I’m sure.

3. Please call me only once with ALL your questions. I left for the day, and had 5 messages on my answering machine, the last one was at 10:30 pm. Frankly lady, you were sounding a bit too crazy by the end of the day. It’s a fridge. A small metal box that keeps shit cold. I don’t have the fridge’s family tree. For all I know the fridge’s was conceived by a slutty young Maytag that graced some hillbilly’s side porch. I don’t know the exact age of the fridge. I bought it a few months ago, I used it for a couple of days, ok, I lied, I used it a whole week. The fact is, you’re not buying a race horse, you’re buying a used fridge.

4. No, I will not knock $10 bucks off the price of the fridge because your anal retentive eyes picked up the ittiest, bittiest hairline scratch from across my driveway. I’m not making judgements on you, but I’m pretty damn sure Donald Trump didn’t send you across the country to pick up a used fridge for Trump Towers. Though I’d wager the whole concept of the mini-fridge bar is a familar one to you.

5. Yes, you can unplug a fridge without any harm to the fridge. Believe me, the fridge is fine. The manufacturers have figured out a way to extend the life of a fridge that has been unplugged. Yes, I’m absolutely sure of that. No, you did not have to leave 2 messages about your concerns with the fridge being unplugged, and frankly it was a little embarrassing having the same conversation with you in my driveway where my neighbors could hear.

6. No, I don’t have the operating instructions. I can write them down for you though: Plug fridge in. Open door. Put crap inside. Take crap out when it’s cold. Eat or drink crap.

7. I am not a fridge pimp. I don’t have any more fridges at that price. No, I don’t know where you can get another fridge at that price. Yes, I know it’s in great condition for the price, and I’m sure you’d like your other crazy-as-bat-shit-mini-fridge-buying-friends to have one just like it, but this is all I have. Here’s a thought, there’s this online classified ads website. Yeah, you may have heard of it, it’s called CRAIGSLIST. I dunno, maybe, just maybe, in this great land of ours, there’s another mini-fridge being advertised there.

8. Please remove my phone number from your address book. I think our relationship is over. Oh, and if you’ve added me to your AIM Buddy List, please delete me. Please. I beg you.

Yours truly,

The mini-fridge seller

Seeking a tall, well-muscled insomniac to indulge a very particular fantasy. I would like to see you lie motionless on a green-and-cream chintz bedspread, face-up, wearing only your plaid boxer shorts, with your arms crossed on your chest like a corpse at an open-casket funeral. You will sleep like a cat, and I will watch you, ignore you, go out for a coffee, or possibly photograph you with my BlackBerry. When you awaken, we will watch low-quality American television and eat coconut sorbet.

Snorers, sheet-stealers, seafood-eaters and those with a post-CEGEP education need not apply.

• Location: Clarion hotel