Funny Craigslist Ads » Uncategorized http://craigslol.com Where Craigslist Posts Come To Retire Tue, 17 Aug 2010 03:05:50 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8 en hourly 1 Random Tips Collected From Pastebin http://craigslol.com/random-tips-collected-from-pastebin/ http://craigslol.com/random-tips-collected-from-pastebin/#comments Tue, 10 Aug 2010 11:03:54 +0000 andyfox1979 http://craigslol.com/?p=767 -Next time you lose your phone charger, don’t buy another one. Go to a hotel and say you think you lost it there. It’s the #1 most left behind item at hotels, so most places have a big bin filled with every phone charger imaginable.

  • -to get free air (for your tires) at Shell gas stations, press the button on the side of the pump three times. The pump will start without you having to insert any coins.
  • -I worked at an engine manufacturing plant for a while.
  • Don’t ever buy a car on its very first generation. Most of the time, the tech is just pushed out the door and used to test it in the field so that the second gen can be much, much more stable.
  • -If you tip the pizza guy well, he will deliver your food first.
  • -I work at a car dealership, and I’m always amazed at how easy it is to get a rock bottom price on a car, especially new.
  • Once you’ve chosen the car you want, go inside the building and let the salesman show you his offer. Tell them you’re going to go to another dealership (preferably the same size or bigger) and see if you can get a better offer. The next price you get will likely be unbeatable. Follow through anyway just to be safe.
  • With used cars, you will want to find two nearly identical cars at different dealerships. Follow the process above, though you might have to go back and forth a few times.
  • If you don’t give your last name or phone number, they’ll feel extra compelled to give you a reason to come back. Dealerships would rather have you be their customer than someone else’s, no matter how little they make on the deal. Also, you’ll be better off doing business in person. All in all, this should only take a day.
  • -Anytime that you book a hotel room through a 3rd party website, like Expedia, you are not actually guaranteed the room type that you booked. I work at a hotel, and people get screwed over if they happen to make their reservation on a night when we are sold out. We try to accommodate everyone, but we only have so many 2 Queen Non-Smoking rooms. So call ahead to be sure that your family of 5 won’t be stuck in a Smoking King Jacuzzi room.
  • Also, hotels sometimes remove the ashtrays from rooms and stick an Air-Zone in there. This makes it “non-smoking”.
  • -Actually this is an industry standard for many retailers (food to clothing) xx.95 is regular price xx.99 is the sale xx.97 is last call clearance before it is sent to liquidators.
  • -If you want to buy anything expensive from Apple on their website you can save 15-20% . Log in/create an account, go to the configurator and spec out what you want, then go to checkout, but do not buy. Do nothing else for about 7-10 days. You should then get a call from Apple offering a deal if you buy then and there. Worked for my iMac.
  • -Do something for free once a month (if possible). For example, If you deliver pizzas, give one away for free and pay for it yourself. Don’t go half way, either – do it up right, and do it once a month.
  • Our business develops applications (web, desktop, mobile) and develops online marketing strategies for small to medium sized businesses (email marketing, local online targeting, etc.), and I make it a point to do something for free once a month. This month I’m helping a local auto repair business create a cheap, effective marketing strategy. Business is tough for them, and they operate in a college town (big college, 45k+ people) so I suggested advertising to the students and faculty. They are a solid business, they’ve always done quality work for me (4 years going), and it’s only going to take 10 hours of my month to put a decent plan into action for these people and have them take the wheel once it’s up and running.
  • Do it because it makes you feel good, do it because it gets you more business, do it because you’re bored, I don’t care what motivates you, just do it.
  • -1.You can use the telnet program to connect directly to SMTP mail servers, and send an email ( or text message ) from anyone to anyone.
  • 2.Subway has no reliable way of doing inventory, so if you have a friend who works there, they can hook you up pretty easily.
  • 3.Ettercap, airoscript, and Nessus.
  • 4.Don’t talk to hookers with walkie talkies
  • Edit / Update : At subway they do count stuff, the problem is if you want extra lettuce, or pickles, or something other than meat, they do not keep track of that. Also if a worker accidentally puts mayo on your sandwich, and you didn’t want mayo, they throw the whole thing away without voiding, or counting the lost sandwich.
  • I work for a surviellance company and one of the biggest problems we have had to date is how to reliably control theit, keep it on the dl.
  • -@ walmart, hold down all 4 corner buttons on the credit card machine to reboot it and piss of the next customer in line (behind you) who wouldn’t shut the fuck up.
  • -If you’re looking for a hooker, grab your camera and tell them you wanna take nude photos of them. This is not illegal and 99% of undercover cops won’t let you take them.
  • -If you’re at a rave and don’t feel like paying $5-$20 for a bottle of water, which is how we make the majority of our income, tell a member of the staff (preferably an organiser [we shuffle around a lot and talk on walkie talkies]) that you were given some kind of pill and now you’re feeling dehydrated.
  • The last thing we want is a hospital run, and unless I’m really busy I’ll personally bring you over to the merchant table and lift a couple of bottles for you.
  • This may also work in nightclubs and at festivals.
  • -Many elevators have a code system for accessing restricted floors. A common one is to simultaneously press and hold the top two vertically oriented buttons. In this example  it might be either 8 and 6 or 7 and 5. In fancy hotels this can get you onto the concierge floor without a key to snag free food. Just walk in like you belong, the guests change too frequently for them to keep track of everyone.
  • -Holding down F8 while booting into Windows XP for safe mode will often times reveal an administrator account at the login window that by default is not password protected.
  • -Longish story, some friends and I were drinking and at around 12:50 decided we wanted a pizza. Me and a guy decdided we were craving ‘feta’ on our pizza. The guy who was going to order the pizza looked disgusted and tried to talk us out of it. We said, ‘Hey get them to put 2 servings of feta on it!’. So the guy called the pizza place, which just happened to close at 1.
  • “Hey, some stupid friends of mine want to order a fucking pizza with fucking feta on it. So I want to order a large pizza, with ham, and green pepper and soooo much fucking feta on it that my friends will be sick of feta for the rest of their fucking lives”
  • The pizza when it came must have weighed 5 pounds, there was easily an inch thick of feta on it. we were only charged to 4 ingredients (feta, feta, onion and ham) and we were sick of feta for around 6 months.
  • -When it comes to home security – GET A BIG FUCKING DOG!
  • A big intimidating dog. It doesn’t need to be agressive, just needs to bark loud at people wanting to jump your fence. If you are going away for a while, have your neighbour or a friend park their car in your driveway (not garage) every so often. Go to the hardware store and buy timers to put on your lamps so they turn on and off at intervals. Get someone to retrieve your mail (thats a big one). If your going for a LONG time, get someone to mow your lawn. Keep you jewellery/money/goods in your dishwasher (yea, thats right) or if you dont have one put them in the manhole or laundry basket. Engrave your tv, hifi computer and laptop and take photos. And if you want to go all out – boobytrap the fuck out of your house. The best one is to ask a local clothes store if they have any broken mannequins/dummies, then dress it up and lay it on the floor in a main room with tiles. Mix bbq sauce, tomato sauce and water and put as much as you want around it. Guranteed as soon as someone finds it they will get the fuck out of your house.
  • I worked in the security industry for over 10 years. You are paying 500% markup on all electronic devices. They are ALL flawed and will either not work properly or be crazy senesitive (this is no mistake either, as you will require the technician to re-attend to fix, costing more $$$). Technicians are extremely lazy and expensive, they cost the company roughly $30p/h and you will be charged about $75-80 p/h.
  • As an example – For a monitored security system – you will pay somewhere between $1500-$6000. The actual cost to the company is about $300 (incl installation time charged by tech). Monitoring will cost $300-400 a year. The cost to the company is $25. And after all of this, the alarm will activate like crazy for false alarms (bugs, heat, cold etc) which creates extra charges on your home phone bill and insane charges for having to get a patrol car to respond. The police more than often will not respond to an alarm activation. I had the rare case that they said they would respond to a priority 1 duress alarm, and called back 6 HOURS LATER asking for the address because they lost it and were going to check it out.
  • Security systems are NOT preventative measures. The do nothing other than alert you to the fact you have been robbed, which you are helpless (and you would find out at some later date anyway).
  • It is an absolute criminal industry, and yes I couldn’t take trying to do the right thing in that environment so I left.
  • -I worked at Budget Rentals a number of years ago, so this may have changed. When you make a reservation for x class car, it means absolutely nothing. They will not go out of their way to get you that specific size car on time unless you’re renting a luxury model. If you show up and they happen to not have your class they’ll do one of two things:
  • 1. Upgrade you for free to the next larger class. This is fine, but you can fuss that you specifically requested the smaller car to save gas (due to lower MPG). You’ll get a small deal, like paying the cost of the class below your original reservation.
  • 2. The distraction method: They won’t even acknowledge your class request, but instead ask “So, what car can we put you in today?” and indicate the lot, suggesting you look around. If you pick a larger class car, you’ll get charged accordingly. If you pick smaller, you just “requested” that car, so they’re off the hook for your reservation. Or they might ask “Is a Sebring/Spectra/whatever okay for you today?”, again, without acknowledging your reservation. If you say yes, they’re off the hook again. Lesson: know the classes/models and call them on it.
  • The only other thing I can think of right now is the gas trick. When I was working there, the policy was that all rentals come ready with a full tank of gas. If the car happened to not be full (lazy employees/busy day), the employee would just say “so, the meter’s at 3/4 tank, just bring it back at the same.” This sucks, because you can’t really estimate distance against the meter level, so you’ll likely come back with too much gas, which they keep. Or, you come in under, which they charge you ridiculous rates to refill. Or, you drive around the block wasting gas and time to spite them ’cause your meter’s too high. Lesson: always request them to fill up the tank and just wait the five/ten minutes.
  • -I’m a 911 operator on the graveyard shift.
  • The very first thing you should do to ensure your safety—especially in life-threatening situations—is to state your location. Cell phone triangulation is imperfect, and sometimes landline info is out of date. The moment an operator has an address or intersection, the police can be dispatched.
  • -The only way to get rich quick is to rip off other people trying to get rich quick by offering them some bullshit, non-working way to get rich quick.
  • If you get lost somewhere, always retrace your steps instead of going further into the unknown.
  • If you can’t live within your means, you won’t ever be happy because you’ll increase your spending with every raise/promotion.
  • Always be aware of what people might misconstrue your message to. You may have the best intentions but if it isn’t perceived that way then the message is lost.
  • Job interviews are worthless. People will do anything to get the job they want. To really get to know someone, take them to lunch and make them drive. You learn about their self-control about by their driving behavior, you learn how civilized they are by their table manners, and you learn how much they know about what you’re hiring them for by initiating conversation about the industry.
  • -I work for a real estate agency.
  • The less expensive your house is, the less attention your realtor will give you, especially if they have other clients that will bring them more money.
  • Also? You totally don’t need a realtor. You just need research, and there are plenty of realtors that will do free appraisals and give you free market statistics without signing.
  • -Always poo at work; 1) you get paid for doing it. 2) you get to use company resources.
  • -Food Industry:
  • * The “Special” of the day is usually what is left over and is going bad, we need to get rid of it and make a profit somehow.
  • * We make the most money off of drinks, especially mixed drink ’specials’.
  • * If you send your soup back because it’s not hot enough there’s a good chance we will just warm up your spoon instead.
  • * Don’t order prime rib at the end of the night. It’s not prime anymore.
  • * The best selling items will be at the top and bottom of the menu.
  • * That expensive fajita you’re ordering is made out of the cheapest beef we can get, usually skirt steak. The servers will also take the ’sizzling’ plate of beef the longest way around the restaurant.
  • * A lot of times the side of lemon slices you ordered with your water were not washed before being cut.
  • * Hamburgers are more likely to make you sick if cooked below well then a steak.
  • * Don’t get fish on Sunday or Monday.
  • -ELEVATORS
  • (Since this was mentioned by OP) Only way I have heard of hacking an elevator that works properly: If you live in a tall building or if you’re in a hurry you can catch an elevator that is going the wrong way and reset it to go to the floor you want to go to.
  • Situation:
  • An example where this is helpful: If a punk kid hit all the buttons before jumping out of the lift. Or in the situation where the elevator you need to go down on stops first on a floor above you, picks up a lift-full of people and so when you have to wait even longer for the next lift.
  • Solution:
  • Stop the elevator as it is going past you and reset it.
  • Disclaimer:
  • It will prevent someone who is a floor above or below you to have to wait for the next lift, and if there are people already inside that elevator you’ll seem like you hit the wrong button. So use this sparingly unless you don’t mind being an asshole or appearing like an idiot.
  • HOW TO:
  • 1) Call the elevator to go the direction you need to go in (e.g. DOWN)
  • 2) Then call the elevator to go the opposite direction (e.g. UP)
  • 3) If the DOWN elevator comes first, just hop on like you normally do.
  • If the UP elevator comes first it will be stopped on your floor and open, if it is empty get onto it. But first…
  • 4) Find the switch in the gap between the wall and the elevator. It is attached to the front of the elevator above the door.
  • 5) Hit that switch, it will reset the elevator canceling any calls it was to make.
  • 6) Choose your floor.
  • TL;DR:
  • To reset an elevator follow steps 4, 5 & 6 above.
  • Edit: for line breaks
  • -Worked at bath and body works. They will take back anything even if it’s used, even if its practically gone, and you’ll at least get store credit, if you manage to keep the receipt, your money back. All you have to say is it started to bother your skin as you used it more, it’s a done deal, we’re not allowed to say no.
  • Also- there are always $10 off 30 coupons we can use, if you don’t have one all you have to do is go in, fill up your bag with $30 worth of stuff, go to someone and say you had completed a survey you thought there was a coupon but you forgot it…if they say no, say oh well and put the stuff down, they will almost always say oh okay I can give it to you this once. They don’t want to lose a sale, the CSL’s have to make certain numbers and when its lotions you are selling every dollar counts.
  • -From a past job: grocery stores stack product by sell date, so oldest in the front, freshest in the back. Always grab from the back.
  • -   1.If go to a realtor and they tell you a price lower than you’d expect for your home, they’re probably right. Realtors invest a lot of time, energy and money into successfully marketing a home. They make commission. Therefore they want your home to sell for a lot. If you go to a second realtor and he laughs and says he can sell your home for a lot more, run away. Your home price is determined by the market. This is a relatively simple process. A realtor who gives you a much higher price than his competition is counting on the off, off chance it’ll sell for it and they’ll get a bigger cut. Sticking it to the competition doesn’t hurt, either. This is the telltale sign of an amateur realtor.
  • 2.Want to determine how much your home is worth? Easy. Ask a realtor for access to the MLS. This stands for Multiple Listing Service. It’s a database that every piece of property in your region will be entered into. Most realtors pay for client friendly feeds from this database for their buyers to look through. Pull up all the homes for sale in your zip code. Knock out everything that doesn’t match your home style (Cape, New Englander, Colonial, Split Entry, Ranch, Raised Ranch, etcetera) Grab ten properties whose square footage roughly equal your own. Weed out bank owned properties, homes that “need TLC” and anything with the word “short sale” in it. You should have 3 – 5 now. Undercut the lowest by $3,000. Ta-da. I do this 5 – 20 times a week.
  • 3.Realtors are snakes. If you find one who seems human, look harder. Still human? Look harder. Still human? Hold on for dear life, you found something more valuable than gold.
  • -Don’t buy from credit jewelers or any jewelry store in the mall, like Zales or Daniel’s. They are rip-offs. They peg you as a sucker just for walking in the door. They know that anyone with any knowledge of gold or diamonds wouldn’t bother with them. Independent jewelry stores might seem more expensive, but you are not getting crap for your money. Some even make up their own diamond grading systems just to keep you fooled. You can get the same shit for half to a third of the price at your local pawn shop. Also, most cash for gold places are a big rip-off. Find a local smelter and sell them your scrap gold. You will get about 98% of whatever the current spot gold price is. Furthermore, small diamonds can cost a fortune at the jewelry store, but on the scrap market, they only fetch $20 – $60 per carat. Chances are your local pawnbroker is scrapping more than they sell retail. Use this to your advantage to haggle the price down from $500+ per carat to $300 per carat (for small stones) The pawnshop is also a great place to get a loose diamond cheap for a piece that is missing a stone.
  • -When bread or cheese turn moldy, don’t just scrape or cut off the mold and eat it. What you see is just the sporulation – the actual fungus (and all the lovely things it secretes) is likely growing throughout that piece of bread or cheese, and only sporulates once the oldest parts start to die.
  • So when you cut off the mold, you’re still eating mold, as well as all kinds of lovely antibiotics and possibly toxins that it secreted into the food.
  • THROW IT OUT.
  • -A bum once told me he secret to life was owning stocks. I thought he was going to tell me that he was really a millionaire, but it turns out he just owned lots of different stocks so he could get steak dinners at all the shareholder meetings.
  • -Pressing zero, mashing keys, or even just cursing a lot will usually skip most automated phone systems and take you directly to an operator.
  • -Small tips to see wether a person is lying or not:
  • If someone is telling you the truth, their palms are often open and visible somehow. If they are hiding their palms in some way, they are most likely NOT telling the truth.
  • Also, if a persons pupils are contracting or rapidly changing as they speak, or they have some other similar micro-expression, they are most likely lying.
  • And some other thing, if you want a person to do a task for you, like move an object from a location to another, you should not point with your finger. You should be submissive. They way to do this is to point with your hand open, making the inside your palm face upwards. This will make the person feel that you are being polite, and will happily do the task right away.
  • -More handy-dandy body language:
  • * A person pointing his foot at you is paying attention to you.
  • * People grab their chins when they’re making decisions.
  • * In sitting situations, sitting across a corner from someone (i.e. at 90º) will let both people be more agreeable and receptive to the other’s ideas than sitting across the table (face-to-face).
  • * Very introverted people also often hide their palms (and fold their arms, and cross their legs) more than others. (But so do people who are cold.)
  • * Supposedly women actually fondle cylindrical objects when flirting. (Not making this up.) I don’t think I do this myself, but it does explain some weird cigarette rituals I’ve seen.
  • -Another way to get someone to do a job for you is to assume that that is the natural order of things (or act like it’s the natural order). It’s like asking someone standing right next to a bench to hand you something from the bench. Anyone would do it if you ask politely as it’s obvious they’re much closer to the thing being asked for than you are. You just extend that idea. Ask them politely to do something as if it’s obvious much handier for them to do it than for you.
  • My wife is a past master of this. I think she does it instinctively, without realising. She’ll ask someone politely to get something for her from across the room, for example, and even if they’re sitting next to her they’ll get up and get it, without thinking. It’s great watching her in action, she totally bends people to her will. And the best bit is, no-one feels like she’s making use of them. Everyone is always happy to help as she’s polite and pleasant.
  • -If you wrap soap into towel it won’t leave any bruises when you hit someone. You are welcome.
  • same with potatoes in a stocking, and having someone hold a telephone book on the victim whilst another person hits the telephone book with a baseball bat.
  • -This the the cotton buds trick. Basically, anything that uses this type of coin mechanism this trick should work on.
  • It’s a bit tricky to get going at first, but with a little practice you should have no problems. This is kind of hard to explain but I will do my best.
  • 1. Take the required number of cotton buds and remove the cotton from one end so you have one end with cotton and the other without.
  • 2. Slowly push the sliding mechanism forward while looking in the slit. You will see a little hole open up (This can also be done by putting the cotton less end of the bud into the slit and applying a slight bit of pressure while pushing the sliding mechanism forward until the cotton bud slides in). **Note: The hole is approx. 3cm wide so your window of opportunity is very small
  • 3. Once you see the hole open up, begin inserting the cotton buds into each slit. You may need to move the sliding mechanism slightly forwards and backwards to get the remaining buds in. They need to go in quite far but you will need to be able to grasp them so don’t push them in too far.
  • 4. Grab hold of the ends of the cotton buds and push the sliding mechanism in all the way.
  • 5. Slowly pull back the sliding mechanism while pulling on the cotton buds until they come out.
  • I have used this trick on washing machines, dryers, pool tables, video games, and many different types of dispensers to name a few.
  • Good luck .. and remember … ssshhh!
  • -A police officer told me this one…
  • I was recently threatened with a knife in my own home. I came home from doing some grocery shopping and caught a thief halfway through stealing my stuff. He threatened me with a knife in order to make his escape. I ran out onto the street yelling “Help Help”. According to the police officer who later took my statement, I should have yelled “Fire” because people are more likely to come to the aid of a fire than anything else.
  • -1) Be nice. This isn’t self-serving. When you’re cool to a customer service person, you’re probably going to be the only nice person they talk to all week. In return, they are far more likely to do what you want.
  • 2) Phone company customer service people typically have no adjustment limit, subject to approval. I’ve personally placed credits on accounts up to $7,000. If the person is telling you it’s above their limit, they’re being lazy.
  • 3) There are good and bad people at any job. If you call customer service anywhere, and the person is rude immediately, or didactic, or unreasonable, hang up and call back. Don’t say “I’m going to call back and talk to someone else, ” Say: “click”. I can not stress this enough. 25 minutes on 4 calls where you get what you want beats 45 minutes on one call getting nothing.
  • 4) We know it was you that called Mexico, or Vanuatu, or Albania. We know it was not someone hacking into your line, because nobody would sit atop the pole outside your house or wire into the box in your yard to make calls they could make with a $5 card from 7-11. Instead of denying it, say “I was supposed to be on an international plan,” we can add it (earns us a sale) and re-rate your call to a fraction of the cost.
  • 5) Don’t bother asking for a manager. Managers are managers not because they are particularly skillful at solving problems, but because they have been successful making sales and quickly getting rid of customers who do not want to buy anything. If the problem is difficult, they will ask me for help.
  • -If you’re at the airport, always offer to take bumps (if you can afford the time). Even if you aren’t sure the flight is overbooked, go up to the counter, ask the people if they need anyone to take a bump, and if they do, volunteer. You will usually get comped very well for volunteering, especially if you ask. This is one of the few areas where airline reps have a lot of options; they are legally required to get everyone to their destination, and volunteering will make the gate agent’s life easier (and they will reward you for doing so). First class upgrades, free ticket vouchers, etc.
  • My family and I have been doing this for years. We were just on a trip to San Diego, and all three of us received free flights on United for taking a bump. Once, when going to Cancun, we all got upgraded to first class for the next flight.
  • -If you’re in an auto accident and it’s the other person’s fault, if on the police report it says you’re injured in any way, the insurance company will bend over backwards to make you happy. I’m not suggesting anyone lie. I’m simply saying, the insurance company will move heaven and earth to get your car’s damage fixed fast, and do whatever they can to make you happy, if the report says “accident with injury.”
  • -I created a reddit account just for this purpose, so listen up. This is how to get a brand new electronic device for really cheap to replace your old one. When you go to a Staples Business Depot, make sure to buy the Extended Service Plan because a neat little hack goes with this. I used to work customer service and returns and it’s virtually impossible to detect this. I don’t personally use it myself, but i know people who do this. You buy the service plan for one year (costs from 9.99-29.99$ depending on the price of the object). KEEP THE RECEIPT AND FORMS AND PREFERABLY THE BOX. Then, after a year when the manufacturers warranty runs out and the Extended warranty begins, return it and say it’s broken. They’ll give you the original amount of money you payed back, or another of the same objects if it’s still in stock (which after a year, it probably isn’t)
  • For example, buy an iPod for 150$. Get the service plan for 20$. When apple’s 1 year warranty runs out, wait about a month so it’s not too suspicious. Then return it to the store and say the battery can’t hold a full charge (even though it can).
  • You: It’s supposed to last 10 hours, but only lasts 1.
  • Them: Ok, can i have your receipt and the service plan form?
  • You: Sure.
  • Them: (look over the receipt). Ok, it seems everything’s in order, but we don’t carry 3rd generation iPods anymore. We’ll give you back 150$ and you can put that towards a new ipod.
  • You: (smiling sneakily and thinking) hahahahh, I just got a brand new iPod for the 20$ of my original service plan.
  • Buy the warranty on this one too. Originally, you paid full price for the the first ipod, but you got all that ipod money back and only had to legitimately pay for a service plan . Now, you can just exchange ipods every year and only have to pay 20$ for new ones. Enjoy ;)
  • -I’m in the television news media. Two pieces of advice I can give you.
  • If you’re leaving court after doing something wrong, walk tall and proud, look straight ahead, say nothing. If you cover your face or try and run, we will only chase you more, and makes you look incredibly guilty or retarded.
  • Second piece, is if TV people are camped outside your house, you have two options.
  • Give them nothing: TV is a picture based medium. Without pics, they almost have no story. Many will give up after about 3-4 hours. if its a big case, wait until its early in the morning when they’re most tired. Many think they can sleep and miss nothing. We’ve had major perps leave police stations at 3 in the morning because of this fact. We got no pictures that night.
  • Second piece, give them something (On your terms): Make a deal that you’ll come out and make a statement if they’ll leave. If they agree, walk straight out (Tall and proud like before) and say what you want to say. If they want it, they’ll be ready. Don’t bother asking if they’re ready. Finish your piece, say thank you, and leave. No questions.
  • The news media are like hungry dogs and cats. They won’t leave you alone until you give them something, even if its a tiny morsel, it should do.
  • -I used to work at a European office of a Taiwanese hardware manufacturer. Whenever we got back ‘faulty’ hardware (mostly motherboards) that tested okay in our default hardware tests, we marked the serial-label with a little green dot. Only after receiving a hardware part that -already- had a little dot near the serial number, we would send it back to Taiwan for inspection. In other cases we would just re-package and sell the part to another customer. In all fairness, this works because in 90% of cases the errors people get are due to software. I do however try to check this first when I buy a motherboard or other hardware.
  • -I have a good friend that works at Wendy’s. His managers told him by wendy’s-law, if someone pulls into the drive-thru saying they’re not from around there, lost, and don’t have any money, Wendy’s will always compensate them with free food. He ran into this problem when it actually happened to them, which is when the manager explained it to him, but told him not to tell anyone because too many people abuse it. Redditor’s try this shit out. You may have to have an out of state tag on your vehicle.
  • -Rinse off the top of your beer can, and probably your soda can. As a worker in a local alcohol distributor, I can tell you some of those cans get touched by some very dirty hands, not to mention the collection of dust, grime, and any old, spilled beer that rests in the rim. If it touches your lips or what you’re consuming, wash it first.
  • -At Disneyland (or most major theme parks) Ask for single rider passes. Gets you to the front of the line. I rode California Screamin’ 10 times in a half hour, there was a 90 minute line but I just kept riding and riding.
  • -A couple standard size band-aids fit very nicely into the bills portion of a wallet. I have used these on a variety of occassions.
  • To a much lesser degree, pepto-pill chewable tablets. Never worry about making it home again when your sphincter thinks it can slouch off.
  • On the old standing coke machines (the ones with the buttons in a horizontal grid at the top), pressing more than one button after inserting coins will result in one beverage of every selection simultaneously pressed.
  • If a glass or business door is locked, try pressing the handicap entry button. It doesn’t always work, but the locks seem to be mutually exclusive.
  • Actually, just try doors in general. You’ll never know until you try. Some friends had fun dressing up on a night of revelry when one really trashed guy tried opening the side-stage door at the local theatre. Completely unlocked, and not a soul in the building.
  • -As we all know, many customer service departments have people of middle eastern ethnicity working the phones. If you’re in Canada this is no exception. When you are calling a Canadian customer service line, ask for a French speaking agent even if you don’t know it. Just say “Oh sorry I hit french by accident”. The agent will know perfect english.
  • -Never get your ears pierced at the mall (or any place that uses an ear gun). They are never sterilized. They will tell you that it doesn’t touch your ear, but sometimes people do bleed, and it gets all over the gun. Then the piercer will just wipe the blood off because there is no way to sterilize it. Then the next person will come in to get it done, the piercer will touch the gun, then touch your ear and pierce it. I spent years doing it in the cleanest way that I could, and it still wasn’t 100% safe. I did an IAMA here  about it if anyone wants to read it.
  • Going to a doctor to have it done is worse because they rarely do them, and they also use a gun. Most doctors also have little concept about what looks good aesthetically, so they often come out uneven.
  • Instead, choose a reputable body piercer in your area who will do it with a needle. A lot of people get scared away from body piercers because of all their tattoos and weird piercings, but a good one will be osha certified, and know how to safely handle blood.
  • -Next time you order french fries, ask for no salt. They will have to make a new batch for you and you can just put salt on it afterwards.
  • You’ll avoid the soggy, grease-infested potato sticks and also the cold, stale variety, and have yourself nice crispy, hot fries.
  • -When prompted with a promo code when checking out online, try FREESHIP. It worked the one time I tried it. ;-)
  • -If something you bought from the store is not working after it’s return period, go to the store and buy an exact model of it. Then switch the two products and return the old one, saying it doesn’t work.
  • If one of your PC/console games is scratched or not working, rent it and switch it out.
  • If you have high speed cable internet, you can split the signal and get basic cable tv as well. This is because your cable internet and tv travel on the same signal.
    • ]]>     http://craigslol.com/random-tips-collected-from-pastebin/feed/ 0     Elephant Sticks Trunk Up Other Elephants Ass; Removes Dump; Unleashes Diarrhea http://craigslol.com/elephant-sticks-trunk-up-other-elephants-ass-removes-dump-unleashes-diarrhea/ http://craigslol.com/elephant-sticks-trunk-up-other-elephants-ass-removes-dump-unleashes-diarrhea/#comments Sun, 01 Aug 2010 03:16:00 +0000 andyfox1979 http://craigslol.com/?p=756 From Reddit, “What is the most disturbing thing you’ve ever seen in your life?”

    heresubwaysandwich 49 points50 points 1 hour ago[-]

    One time at a zoo, I saw an elephant put its trunk inside another elephants ass and pull out a solid brick of shit. There was a school group of young kids standing around the enclosure. This solid shit brick had plugged up a flood of liquid shit that proceeded to spray out of the elephant’s ass and all over the first few rows of kids. Pretty gross.

      eirinikos 0 points1 point 3 minutes ago[-]

      I find it fascinating that somehow that one elephant communicated to the other one, “hey I’ve got a huge turd stuck in my ass, man, help!” And then the other elephant being like, “I gotcha bro”

      ]]>       http://craigslol.com/elephant-sticks-trunk-up-other-elephants-ass-removes-dump-unleashes-diarrhea/feed/ 0       I Wish Records Were CDs http://craigslol.com/i-wish-records-were-cds/ http://craigslol.com/i-wish-records-were-cds/#comments Sat, 16 Jan 2010 08:37:16 +0000 andyfox1979 http://craigslol.com/?p=710 i wish records were smaller more expensive and illegal to share with my friends

      ]]>       http://craigslol.com/i-wish-records-were-cds/feed/ 0       My Son’s New Style http://craigslol.com/my-sons-new-style/ http://craigslol.com/my-sons-new-style/#comments Fri, 11 Dec 2009 23:51:19 +0000 andyfox1979 http://craigslol.com/?p=690 My son has been watching a movie called A Clockwork Orange (about colors and telling time and such I imagine) and has began dressing like one of the characters in the movie. The style is a little strange but the film also teaches the importance of nutrition and drinking milk I believe. Here is a photo I took of him today:
      a clockwork orange costume

      ]]>       http://craigslol.com/my-sons-new-style/feed/ 0       New Game: The Floor Is Lava http://craigslol.com/new-game-the-floor-is-lava/ http://craigslol.com/new-game-the-floor-is-lava/#comments Sun, 06 Dec 2009 07:41:00 +0000 andyfox1979 http://craigslol.com/?p=685 I wanted to share a new game with you guys, it’s called “The Floor Is Lava”

      From Urban Dictionary:

      1. The Floor Is Lava

      1. A multiplayer game in which one person yells, “The floor is lava!” and all other players must comply and find higher ground to get to. Anywhere but the floor is safe and if players stay on the floor, then they are painfully burned to death. The floor becomes safe only when the player that called “lava” recalls that the floor has solidified and is safe to walk upon.

      2. An utterance that causes absolute havoc when shouted. The equivalent of yelling “Fire” in a crowded theater, but perfectly legal and much more fun.

      “When my friend yelled the floor is lava, I jumped on top of him to save myself and he burned to death.”

      2. The Floor Is Lava

      The most epic game in exsistence. Involves to or more people. The game is started by one person shouting that “The floor is lava!” After that, all people surrounding must find higher grounds (chairs, couches, pillows, younger siblings) to save themselves. If you touch the ground, you die. The game can be started anywhere, and is often fun to play in crowded places, such as the mall or the movie theater.
      “The floor is lava!”

      (everyone screams and jumps onto chairs and old people)

      ]]>       http://craigslol.com/new-game-the-floor-is-lava/feed/ 0       SPICY BUFFLO WINGS http://craigslol.com/spicy-bufflo-wings/ http://craigslol.com/spicy-bufflo-wings/#comments Tue, 18 Aug 2009 13:46:46 +0000 andyfox1979 http://craigslol.com/?p=622 I GOT THE WRONG KIND NOW IM STUCK WITH A BOX OF SPICY BUFFLO WINGS. I CANT EAT SPICY FOOD CAUSE IT AFFECTS MY HEART AND IM THE ONLY ONE HERE. MY CATS WONT EAT THEM EITHER. I PAYED 6 BUCKS FOR THEM SO I DONT WANT TO THROW THEM AWAY AND I DONT THINK I CAN RETURN THEM IF THERE ALREADY OPENED. PLEASE COME AND GET THEM THERE TAKEING UP ROOM IN MY FREZZER.

      * Location: EL CAJON
      * it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

      ]]>       http://craigslol.com/spicy-bufflo-wings/feed/ 0       THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES http://craigslol.com/things-you-would-never-know-without-the-movies/ http://craigslol.com/things-you-would-never-know-without-the-movies/#comments Mon, 17 Aug 2009 19:10:39 +0000 andyfox1979 http://craigslol.com/?p=612 THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES

      • During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
      • When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
      • If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of year.
      • All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
      • The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
      • All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
      • It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
      • The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place – noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
      • Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
      • The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
      • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
      • If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.
      • You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
      • Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language – a German accent will do.
      • If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
      • A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
      • When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
      • Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
      • If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
      • Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
      • Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
      • All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
      • A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
      • Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
      • Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
      • It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
      • Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
      • It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
      • A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
      • It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
      • When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
      • No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
      • Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
      • You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
      • Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds – unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
      • Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

      ]]>       http://craigslol.com/things-you-would-never-know-without-the-movies/feed/ 1       Facebook Suprise Party http://craigslol.com/facebook-suprise-party/ http://craigslol.com/facebook-suprise-party/#comments Mon, 17 Aug 2009 15:50:19 +0000 andyfox1979 http://craigslol.com/?p=606

      ppl are stupid

      ]]>       http://craigslol.com/facebook-suprise-party/feed/ 0       Christian Bale and Kermit 4Chan Batman http://craigslol.com/christian-bale-and-kermit-4chan-batman/ http://craigslol.com/christian-bale-and-kermit-4chan-batman/#comments Mon, 17 Aug 2009 06:29:21 +0000 andyfox1979 http://craigslol.com/?p=603 4chan kermit christian bale
      kermit and christian bale argue over who’s the batman

      ]]>       http://craigslol.com/christian-bale-and-kermit-4chan-batman/feed/ 0       The Front Fell Off http://craigslol.com/the-front-fell-off/ http://craigslol.com/the-front-fell-off/#comments Sun, 26 Jul 2009 02:04:47 +0000 andyfox1979 http://craigslol.com/?p=499

      A humorous interview discussing the 2009 incident in western australia where a tanker broke, caught fire and dumped 20,000 tons of oil into the sea.

      The front fell off.

      ]]> http://craigslol.com/the-front-fell-off/feed/ 1