As much as I appreciate the zombie Mr. T you sketched (that is hung on our refrigerator, by the way), there are a few things we need to set straight. I had reservations about you from the beginning; I thought you might suffer from a chronic case of Cool Kid Syndrome.

Despite my feminine appearance, I have a long history of having dated nerds/geeks. Some of them played table top RPGs, some were programmers, most of them were socially awkward. I am a nerd. I have mad nerd pride. I learn things for no good reason, think science is the coolest thing EVAR, sometimes snort when I laugh, and get the XKCD jokes. Perhaps it was the black-framed glasses and my state of well-groomedness, but you had somehow mistaken me for a Reg. And then you DISPARAGED MY PEOPLE.

This is unforgivable. Nerds have long suffered at the hands of jocks and at the jabs of hipsters like yourself. I don’t tolerate that shit. Weighing in at around 145 pounds and spending your days flipping through vinyls and sketching in your Moleskin leads me to believe that I can totally take you in a fist fight. Or simply mess up your faux hawk and send you packing on your fixed-gear, singing My Chemical Romance to yourself through the tears leaking out under your aviator sunglasses.

From that moment on, I refused to talk to you. I stopped calling you by your name and, instead, began referring to you as “Toolbox.”

My roommate, who was desperate for attention, wanted to be friends with you. She scoffed at my suggestion that you were only hanging around to get in her pants. Her dating life has been not-so-great since we moved to Austin. She either skipped, or was asleep during, the life lesson on humility. That’s fine for dudes because she has big knockers, but women have been less receptive, and I suspect that it has something to do with all conversations being steered towards her. As she is new to the whole “lesbian thing” I can forgive her for falling of the cootch wagon and sleeping with a guy or two along the trail. But why, oh sweet Jesus why, did it have to be you?

After that one time you did my lesbian roommate, you didn’t come a callin’. I sometimes lie awake at night and speculate… Was it just for the thrill of the lesbian conquest? Cock beats all? Or was it because she did the pretty girl I’m-going-to-lay-here-like-a-dead-fish-while-you-do-me thing? I accept that correlation does not necessarily indicate causation but I’m highly suspicious of your intentions, sir. Either way, she has instead chosen to blame me for your recent attendance record.

Even if that were the case, your fear of me was only powerful enough to keep you away after you dipped it in my vag gnoshing roommie. Thank you for making domestic relations difficult.

This interaction has only reinforced the judgments I pass on people in skinny jeans.

• Location: North

Date: 2010-02-17, 3:26PM EST

Gentlemen,

Here are some words of semi-wisdom from a real live 30-something woman on how to up your chances that a real, live woman will respond to your post.

1. She probably won’t. That’s right – women really do rule the roost here. Respond to her post. But…

2. If you are up for a challenge and can write funny (you know who you are), then you definitely have an advantage.

3. If you’re not sure whether or not you can write funny, you can’t. See points below.

4. Stop whining about getting spam. You are a man posting on CL. You will get spam. Deal.

5. Put your age in your ad.

6. If you’re a man 25 years or younger, go to a bar and get rejected in person. It builds character.

7. Unless a woman asks you to send you a picture of your penis, refrain from emailing or putting this type of picture in your post. I believe there is this thing called “internet porn” (perhaps you have heard about it) where I can look at all the penises I want to.

8. The “I wonder if he is a serial killer” photo. Oh, you know what I’m talking about. The photo shot of your bare torso in the mirror sans head. Id rather see no picture at all because all I can think about is “It rubs the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again” from The Silence of the Lambs. But if you are looking to give off the serial killer vibe, then you’re on the right track!

9. HEADLINES IN ALL CAPS will only get you noticed because its fucking annoying. Lets look at an example. FACE DOWN ,ASS Up and let me HANDLE it. Oh, yes, Im all over that. It made me really hot that you apparently dont know where a comma should go. Oh yeah baby.

10. For all you $$ generous guys out there your prices are way too low, especially if you want that hot college coed. $2000/month for up for 4-5 times a month is a good market value price to begin with. And, no, I am not a pro.

11. Speaking of non-pro only did I miss the day where people stopped using the word hooker or is that just a sly enough euphemism so that your post wont get removed? Does this mean that us non-pros are not pros in the bedroom because youre not paying for sex?

8. You write defensively and are mad as hell and are not going to take it anymore. Example: “I’m a hot guy with really high standards. I make a lot of money. What is up with all the fat chicks here? Im so sick of this shit. If you email me, send my your stats AND a picture. I mean, I’m a hot guy.” And blah, blah blah…
Gee, I like nothing more than going out with someone who is angry, defensive and who is incredibly sexually frustrated. Good times!

If you are that bent out of shape, call a hooker. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you’re safe. I’ll save the “non-pro only” commentary for another time.

9. Run spell check, use apostrophes (e.g., “ur” instead of “your or you’re”) and there’s this thing called a space bar that should have come with your computer – use it.

10. Women will most likely not list their weight in a post. Swap photos in the first or second email exchange. If she’s reluctant to send a picture, this could be a red flag or she may not know how to use any basic computer program where she can send a photo showing her body type without her face. Come to think of it, this could be a red flag as well.

11. There are no real 18-22 year old women who post here. I know this comes as a shock. Take a couple of deep breaths. It will be okay.

12. Avoid the use of the following phrases and words: Asian pearl (are you kidding me?!) and Yearning for Asian poontang (even if I was Asian, I would want you as far away from my poontang as possible).

Happy hunting!

Location: Hampton Roads
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Seeking a tall, well-muscled insomniac to indulge a very particular fantasy. I would like to see you lie motionless on a green-and-cream chintz bedspread, face-up, wearing only your plaid boxer shorts, with your arms crossed on your chest like a corpse at an open-casket funeral. You will sleep like a cat, and I will watch you, ignore you, go out for a coffee, or possibly photograph you with my BlackBerry. When you awaken, we will watch low-quality American television and eat coconut sorbet.

Snorers, sheet-stealers, seafood-eaters and those with a post-CEGEP education need not apply.

• Location: Clarion hotel

I am *so* serious.

Sex has become so boring! For a while, I was having sex at the Power Exchange, because that was fun — I could mix things up, I could do it in public, and I could have an audience! It was like putting on a show for everyone else, and I got to be the star!

Unfortunately, lately we’ve gone into re-runs, and I’m just not having fun anymore.

Let’s go to the Power Exchange together. Let’s go to the Power Exchange together and roleplay. Let’s go to the Power Exchange together and roleplay HOT ZOMBIE SEX. I mean it. I know it sounds really ridiculous, but I’ve always loved zombies and the undead, and I’ve always loved sex, so I want to mix the two. Additionally, I’ve seen (and am friends with) some really cute zombie girls, and I could really enjoy the mix of horror, terror, shock value in others, and, y’know. Sex.

I’ll dress up like an office professional or something like that, in some clothes I don’t care about, and pretend to be doing some work in an office or something. Maybe then I’ll listen to a prop radio and look shocked, act scared, peer out a mimed window or something, and then you batter on the door. And batter, and batter, and push — and break in! And I let out a blood-curdling shriek, and you lunge at me and rip my clothes apart and splatter fake blood all over me (we’ll use a tarp on the floor, to be polite), and proceed to savagely violate me. Or something like that — I’m not really tied to that exact SCENE, but I think something that goes that way would be fun.

Requirements:
Be attractive — sorry, I know, an attractive zombie, but it’s possible. HWP, at the very least.
Know how to *act like a zombie*. I am specifically looking for someone with *zombie experience*. In San Francisco, I don’t think this is asking a lot.
Be able to *look like a zombie*. This means dressing the part and knowing how to appropriately do your makeup.
Don’t be shy. You’re going to be dressed like a zombie and growling and groaning and spattering fake blood and all else everywhere. In public. To an audience that may not even be that into it (but I bet they will be!)

I’m *not* posting pictures of me this go round for obvious reasons, but if you mail me you’re of course welcome to a ton. I’m very pretty.

About me:
5’6-5’7″, 124#, non-smoker. Red hair, blue eyes, glasses, 32D. Anything else, ask. I am *so* into this idea.

I am primarily looking for a *FEMALE*. Males will be *considered*, but are not really what I’m up for. If you are, however, a *zombie couple*, that’s acceptable. To that end:

t4m t4mw

I’m really looking forward to hearing from someone.

I wanted to talk to you, but you are so much more attractive than most of the middle-aged has-beens in last night’s pile that I couldn’t get a moment alone, or even as part of a threesome or foursome with you. There was a brief moment, while you were reverse cowgirling that old guy and jerking off two midgets while orally satisfying the butch chick in the leather chaps, when our eyes met, and it was magic.

Dear women of Austin:

I love you. As a queer myself, I know how useful the Internet can be in connecting with similar folk, and I have used it successfully. For that reason, I wanted to give you a few tips on writing posts that bring you responses from people of quality, people you may even find attractive.

We must begin with how the ad is written.

1. GET OFF THE CAPS LOCK. I know you’re excited. The Internet can be scary, in a thrilling sort of way. But all caps makes you look insane. It conjures up the image of one of those people with no concept of volume or personal space, the type of person who thinks that you and she are destined to be together after one date, the kind of person that gets jealous when someone looks your way in the grocery store. Nobody wants that person. Nobody.

2. use the shift key. I will grant that I know some very intelligent people who have an allergy to the uppercase side of the alphabet, but it demonstrates lack of concern for others. This especially applies if the only word you capitalize is “I”. There’s some psychology there.

3. Spell-check, for Christ’s sake. You are on a computer, you can find a spell checker. You might have a great personality, but the inability to spell simple words like “you” or “know” casts a knuckledragging tone over your whole post. You might even be suspected of being fourteen.

4. Punctuation. Use it, and use it correctly. There are only three dots in an ellipsis, like so (…), and I fear that at the current rate of use we will be facing record shortages within a decade. The same goes for the humble exclamation point, who never expected that he’d be forced into so many orgies. On the other hand, the comma is ready and willing to help break up your monster blocks of text.

5. No textspeak. Lol all you want, but it’s not making you look anything but hysterical.

Next, we must discuss presentation.

1. Stand out. So you like the outdoors, music, dancing, and walking your dog. Congratulations, you are compatible with 90% of Austin lesbians. (The other 10% are too busy attempting to seduce their ex-girlfriend’s girlfriend’s sister’s ex-girlfriend to read Craigslist.) Be more specific, and play up the quirkier aspects of your character. Being different can be a very good thing.

2. On the other hand, avoid alarming specificity. You may be absolutely sure that your dream girl is slightly butch but not really butch, between 5’6″ and 5’9″, with brown hair and blue eyes and cute glasses and really really loves Chuck Palahniuk , but you may be seriously limiting your chances of success with anyone if you put all that in an ad. This is true even if you are actually targeting your ex-girlfriend’s girlfriend’s sister’s ex-girlfriend, and are too shy to actually, like, ask her out or something.

3. Don’t be a bigot. “White or Hispanic women only” is a popular one. It makes the reader suspect the poster belongs to some sort of queer-friendly aryan supremacist group, one where they sew little rainbow patches on their hoods and robes. Similarly, the phrase “no fatties” has no appeal. Even if the reader is slim, she may feel disinclined to hook up with someone as deep as a midsummer puddle.

4. Don’t be an obvious man. Not to say that dykes don’t have any pubic hair preferences, but getting into the nitty-gritty of the downstairs carpet right away raises suspicion. Also, no one with half a brain is going to send you naked pictures and explicit messages right off the bat. Not any woman, anyway. Ruminate on that for a while.

5. Pictures. Most of us here have boobs and have had contact with other boobs. We are not terribly swayed by grainy photos of tits that may or may not actually belong to the poster. Anonymous bare boobies glisten with palpable desperation. There is also no need to post pictures of your face if you are only going to blur out all recognizable characteristics, unless of course you are hoping to attract tooth fetishists and compliments on your hair.

6. Partnered people: I understand the poly thing, believe me. But you all need to google “hot-bi-babe syndrome”, please and thank you . Additionally, ladies, it is very obvious when your boyfriend is putting you up to posting here. Talk about yourself, not your hot pussy. That comes later (so to speak).

7. Spammers: You can at least take the time to make sure you change all the pronouns as you move from one section to the next.

Once you have this all down, we can move on to the business of answering ads.

1. Keep a lid on your neuroses. I once got a reply where the person, whom I had never spoken to before in my life, declared that if I did not answer her message she would conclude that I was shallow and judgemental. As it turned out, I was okay with that.

2. Describe yourself a bit. It’s rather tiring to reply to messages that say nothing more than “I like your ad wanna chat?” Even the spambots and the lonely Russian mail-order brides are more talkative.

3. Abide by everything else written above.

A note on Missed Connections:

Missed Connections is a great place to vent. However, I think greater specificity can be a good thing. The more specific you are about the intended recipient, the less likely you are to have your post hijacked by nutjobs who get into heated dialogues with other nutjobs about things that happened with other people who are not the least bit aware of what’s going on. If you are one of these nutjobs, go outside.

I hope these tips help you find the love, friendship, and pussy you are looking for. Good luck!